A Lonely Yorkshireman

The contradicting ramblings of a sodding old fool

Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

Sigh, a bad week.

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Written by lonelyyorkshireman

January 20, 2012 at 10:19 AM

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Me… today.

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I don’t want to talk about it…

Written by lonelyyorkshireman

November 18, 2011 at 3:03 PM

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No poem

with 2 comments

I’d like to share a little bit about today with you, whoever you are.

My sister visited me here in England this last week. I’d not seen her
for five years. It was so great having her stay with me. We went round
my local area and also further afield and I showed her many of the
wonderful sights, sounds, tastes and experiences of Yorkshire, England
and Ireland.

She flew back home today. We rose this morning at 04:30 AM to get ready,
take the train to a nearby city where she would board another train for
her final journey to the airport.

Now, first a little back story. The country I grew up in is not one that
condones the idea that a man can cry or have tears in his eyes. Men are
supposed to be strong, take pain and heartache without flinching and beat
the shit out of anyone who doesn’t agree with them.
That’s how I was raised.

At a young age I was forced to do contact sports and martial arts and build
my pain threshold. I was taught that a man never kisses his father, rarely
his mother and greets another man with a sturdy handshake and good eye contact.
Men rarely say the words ‘I love you’. I certainly only tell my parents that
once or twice a year, because saying it too often makes you a “softie”, a “mummy’s boy”.
I’d probably said it a handful of times to my last wife. Not because I didn’t love
her but because I had to be the husband, be strong, not emotionally needy.

I haven’t said “I love you” to my sister for 25 years. Not once.

Today, on that platform she hugged me goodbye. She didn’t stop hugging me.
It weakened my iron will and I felt the words “I love you” slip out of my mouth.

She let go and her smiling face filled with tears. The train doors closed
and she was gone.

Today… I stood on that platform and for half an hour… I cried.

Written by lonelyyorkshireman

August 30, 2011 at 1:18 PM

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Tagged with

The One

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Are we genetically designed to go out in life trying to find that one single person to love, that soul mate, the one human being on this planet that makes us feel whole, no matter how many flaws that person has?

Or are we taught by our parents, the media, fairy tales and bedtime stories that we are destined to find our one true love?

The last thing I would call myself is a saint, as I have had my fair share of failed relationships and I am currently heading straight for my second divorce… so I don’t know if I have more, or less of a right to answer that question.

I do know one thing though: at night, in bed, in the last few moments before I go to sleep I always imagine the feeling of holding that one love of mine in my arms. I can feel her hair against my face, her body pressed against mine and the sweet smell of her skin. In my mind’s eye I can see us walking in the sunshine, holding hands, lying on a blanket in the sun and talking, gently stroking each other’s hands and arms… just happy to be together.

They say that you know you have found the right person when you can be with that person – not talking or doing anything in particular – for quite a while and you feel completely happy and at ease.

My soul mate haunts my thoughts, but alas I cannot see her face in my mind’s eye. I have had this experience many times over the course of the last 15 years. It drives me, and gives me hope.

She might be far, far away in a foreign land or I might already know her and see her every day. Until the day I lay my head on a pillow, hold her in my arms and smell her skin I will not know who she is.

Until that day, I am not whole.

I hope to find her soon, being more careful not to break any more hearts (or go through any more divorces).

Written by lonelyyorkshireman

April 19, 2011 at 2:52 PM

No rhyme

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No poem today, just thoughts.

When has life ever been easy? When has an important choice ever been made without consequence?

I am faced with a very very difficult choice… and I don’t know if I should do what feels right at this very moment, or what I feel is the right thing in the long run.

If I stay, if I swallow my pain, put on a brave face, a fake smile and a happy demeanor I will be doing the right thing for everyone but myself. I will end up miserable and sad. Is that my future? Should I accept that and keep everyone else happy? Is that God’s plan for me?

If I go I will hurt people. Even though it would be the right thing to do in the long run and everyone involved will be better off for it… I would still be hurting the people that are closest to me.

I’ve had to make this same choice in my past. I did not have such a difficult choice as now, because another chose for me and I had to go.  I went far, very, very far to try and get away from the pain and to do what’s best for them. Today I do not regret that choice as they are happy and better off without me, but it was hard… it was very painful.

What is even more painful is the situation I find myself in today.

I am so lost, torn between what cannot be anymore and what I cannot have. I’ve spoken to God and although he does not speak, I believe that he will guide my actions and the reactions of those around me.

I did ask him “is there a big reason for my life? Is there a destination, a place, an event that I have to reach through all this pain & confusion that will make it all make sense?”

I wait for his answer while trying to do what I feel is right.

Alternatively, everything I am doing might be wrong in God’s eyes, I might burn for eternity, but if that is true then I have always been destined for such a fate. My whole life I have tried to make others happy, make them smile and not hurt them. Is that not living according to God’s will?

I tread very carefully into the future, not really knowing what to do next. I know what I want in my deepest heart. I know I can probably not have that – or maybe not yet.

What I don’t know, is who to hurt. For things to be better, someone will have to get hurt. Either me, for the rest of my life or others for a while.

Do I sacrifice my life?

I want to hurt no one.

Written by lonelyyorkshireman

March 18, 2011 at 10:31 AM

Posted in Personal

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