A Lonely Yorkshireman

The contradicting ramblings of a sodding old fool

No rhyme

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No poem today, just thoughts.

When has life ever been easy? When has an important choice ever been made without consequence?

I am faced with a very very difficult choice… and I don’t know if I should do what feels right at this very moment, or what I feel is the right thing in the long run.

If I stay, if I swallow my pain, put on a brave face, a fake smile and a happy demeanor I will be doing the right thing for everyone but myself. I will end up miserable and sad. Is that my future? Should I accept that and keep everyone else happy? Is that God’s plan for me?

If I go I will hurt people. Even though it would be the right thing to do in the long run and everyone involved will be better off for it… I would still be hurting the people that are closest to me.

I’ve had to make this same choice in my past. I did not have such a difficult choice as now, because another chose for me and I had to go.  I went far, very, very far to try and get away from the pain and to do what’s best for them. Today I do not regret that choice as they are happy and better off without me, but it was hard… it was very painful.

What is even more painful is the situation I find myself in today.

I am so lost, torn between what cannot be anymore and what I cannot have. I’ve spoken to God and although he does not speak, I believe that he will guide my actions and the reactions of those around me.

I did ask him “is there a big reason for my life? Is there a destination, a place, an event that I have to reach through all this pain & confusion that will make it all make sense?”

I wait for his answer while trying to do what I feel is right.

Alternatively, everything I am doing might be wrong in God’s eyes, I might burn for eternity, but if that is true then I have always been destined for such a fate. My whole life I have tried to make others happy, make them smile and not hurt them. Is that not living according to God’s will?

I tread very carefully into the future, not really knowing what to do next. I know what I want in my deepest heart. I know I can probably not have that – or maybe not yet.

What I don’t know, is who to hurt. For things to be better, someone will have to get hurt. Either me, for the rest of my life or others for a while.

Do I sacrifice my life?

I want to hurt no one.


Written by lonelyyorkshireman

March 18, 2011 at 10:31 AM

Posted in Personal

Tagged with , , , , ,

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